Rivers of Living Water

"Mama!" he cried again. It was the repetition that was draining. I sighed, pushing my chair back and walked back down to the couch where he lay. It had been a long day, one with lots of demands and I was starting to feel at the end of myself. This reminder all through the day that, yes, I was really empty. I got the little one a drink and went back to my computer where I was reading and there came my epiphany. I keep trying to live through other people's journey. It's encouraging to me to read their stories but that is their life not mine. I am trying to cling onto the grace someone else has found rather than finding Him here, in the constant calls for 'Mama', in the giving, in the loving when it's hard. That is where it hurts, where I come up against my broken self, but it's also where the grace is real and the cry for Him to fill a barren heart is sincere.
This juxtaposition of the empty next to the filler is where I find life. It's not just in the quiet moments of repose, though those are a blessing, it's not just in having serene moments to hunt for beauty, although I love those times. The life is found where I stretch myself to love and find the Lover, the Beauty, right there with me. It's a paradox that I could feel so empty and yet become so full. It's counter-intuitive that I could give and keep giving and not come up short. The knowledge of barrenness is the compass to direct me into those streams that bring life, give life and become a conduit of grace. I never could have chosen it this way but it's true and He is good and all that I give my life too will be because of Him. The beauty is right there, in the stretching, in the clinging to all that is good.

He that believes on me, as the scripture has said, 

out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water. (John 7:38)


Rachael Barham said…
This is SO along the lines of what I've been pondering today, and you say it so well, and I pray with you - and please pray this with and for me too - that you will LIVE this well, that I will LIVE this well, because you're right - it's so darned HARD! Much easier to just think and read and write about it (and I agree, these things are needful too, to keep me going, inspired, encouraged) and SO HARD to live it! But I do believe, like you, with you, that it's possible. I stand with you, dear friend, from far away. XX R
Kirsty Sarris said…
Thanks for the prayers, I need 'em! I almost didn't publish this post because it seems so idealistic in some ways, but I believe it to be true although the walking out is so difficult. I had a hard night last night with the kiddos and my heart wasn't exactly flowing rivers of living water! :) I think for me it's having the intention toward a life lived this way that's the success and not the perfection of constantly living that way...maybe that's my next blog post. I will pray for you too, as you pray for me, that we would learn something about the truth of how He wants to fill us in the midst of poverty of Spirit (makes me think of sermon on the mount...blessed are the...). Love to you xxxx

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